The 2 pds I was up earlier in the week have miraculously disappeared…so I am back to being down 7 pds. I know that’s not a huge amount of weight to lose but the fact of the matter is everyone has to start somewhere. My youngest calf weighed 7 pds when she was born so essentially I’ve lost a newborn. It seems like a lot more weight when I think of it in terms of losing a small human being.
My goal is to lose 3 more pounds by the end of March. Hooves crossed.
Again, I know it doesn’t seem like much but since I gained 2 pds earlier in the week for no apparent reason, it is not inevitable. I will have to work hard. I hate that.
I am not weighing in this week because in all honestly I don’t want to record the massive weight gain I managed to accrue. Valentine’s Day didn’t help but in all honesty that is not why I gained so much weight. I had a bit of a Bovine breakdown. A moment of who the F cares, I am just going to throw in the towel and remain a fat cow until my early demise due to heart disease and complications with diabetes.
Yup, you guessed it, I received some not so great news from the doctor. The “you are a borderline diabetic with high cholesterol and better lose weight before you kill yourself” sort of news. My favorite line from the nurse who had so kindly called me to tell me the results from my blood work was, “The doctor wants you go on a low-carb, low-calorie, low-fat diet.”
Great! Is there anything left to eat? Sure, if I was a rabbit and not a bovine. Moo!
I threw a bit of a tantrum (more than a bit) and did not take care of myself at all this week. I didn’t even look at A Course in Weightloss, I ate what I wanted and managed to make myself sick on more than one occasion. Finally I had a bit of an epiphany. Sadly the epiphany didn’t arrive until yesterday (after I managed to gain almost 5 pounds) but here it is:
I felt like crap for most of the week. I was gassy, crabby, fatigued, my stomach hurt and even though I kept eating, I had a general feeling of malaise. I felt significantly worse when I ate something full of refined sugar and/or carbs.
Wait for it…..
Perhaps these foods are having a negative effect on my blood sugar resulting in me feeling so completely awful. (Did I just hear a D’uh?)
Yesterday, I ate exclusively chicken, veggies and fruit and for the first time all week, I felt physically okay. Not great, still a bit tired, but a ton better. Maybe I need to eat more like a rabbit, not because the doctor said so or because I can stave off some pretty serious health issues (those clearly aren’t enough motivation for me), but because I just don’t feel very well when I don’t. When I feel icky it affects my mothering, my wifeying, my friendying, my housekeeping and my working….a whole bunch of ‘ings are negatively effected when I eat like crap. Seems like I am better at everything when I eat like a rabbit. Moo!
I managed to forgo leftover Valentine’s dessert last night just by reminding myself how awful I felt physically when I ate it the day before. I need to keep that feeling at the front of my mind, to constantly remind myself that how I eat no longer just affects the size of my hindquarters, it affects my entire life…..perhaps I should change the name of my blog from My Inner Bovine to My Inner Bunny.
It has taken me forever to get through the first lesson of A Course in Weightloss. This first lesson is called Tearing Down the Wall and at the end of the chapter, the author, Marianne Williamson sets forth 25 emotions and asks you to write down what those emotions mean to you. For example, the fist emotion is Shame. You are to finish the sentence, I am ashamed because……Once you fill in your feelings, you to hand over the feeling to God (Because of my confused religious beliefs I chose instead to hand over my feelings to the Universe).
I wrote, “I am ashamed because of how fat I have let myself become, that I lost a baby, that my businesses have failed and that I have done a piss pour job managing money. Dear Universe, I surrender my shame to you. Please take it from me. Amen.”
I did not write paragraphs for each emotion. I was fairly short, simple and to the point. Yet, it took me almost 2 weeks to barrel through this exercise. I am not sure why I was so resistant to it. I must admit there are quite a few things I recorded that do not illicit pride but I don’t think that’s why it took me so long. Frankly, it seemed like a tedious exercise that was unlikely to help me lose weight. I forced myself to work through it but it took forever. Now that I am done I recognize that this exercise was worthwhile as I did learn a few very interesting things.
Certain emotions resonated very strongly with me: shame, unforgiveness, excess responsibility, burden, injustice, jealousy, dishonesty and embarrassment. These feelings are hot buttons for me . Clearly, there is quite I bit that I have to let go. I am not sure I believe I can just hand these feelings over to the Universe but it was very helpful to recognize my hot, dare I say burning, buttons and acknowledge that it is time to let those feelings go.
There is a great deal in my history that honestly should no longer be a hot button. Heck, it shouldn’t even be luke warm. I found that I am holding on to feelings that were aroused decades ago. These feelings no longer serve me. If I made bad choices in the past, I can not change them. Ruing over them offers no benefit. I need to let go of my shame/unforgiveness about them. If someone hurt me 20 years ago by cheating or not supporting me or worse trying to impede me, I need to let go of those feelings of injustice/jealousy/dishonesty/embarrassment. Hanging on to those feelings provides nothing of any value in my life and in fact only serves to hurt me. Yet, hang on… I do. Just like I hoard all of my trinkets and tokens from years past, apparently I hoard my emotions too.
I am going to spend some time each day trying to let those feelings go….the poor Universe has no idea how many negative emotions are coming its way….
This first lesson also brooches the idea that being overweight creates a wall to intentionally keep people out. I have a hard time with this concept because I am (for the most part) happily married. I have wonderful friends and 4 happy calves that fill my life. I am close with my mother, even though she can drive me nuts and I have strong ties to my extended family (who my mother has trained well to also make me nuts). I have a good job with folks I adore. I believe my relationships to be authentic. So, I am just not sure who I am trying to keep out. Do you know? I have thought a lot about this and am a bit stumped. Perhaps that will be explained in the next chapter.
Anymoo, I do feel like I learned a great deal about myself in Lesson 1 and am looking forward to seeing what Lesson 2 reveals….Thin me is about to meet not so thin me…should I bring cookies to the meeting?
Viva la Bovine!
I woke up today with a headache, my period and an achy knee. All I want in my trough is pretzel M&Ms. Yes, even for breakfast. Fortunately, there are no pretzel M&MS in the house so I can’t fill my trough as I’d like.
Yesterday I was all piss n vinegar. My motivation was at on high and I had even convinced myself that I was going to lose 2 pds by Fit to be Fri/Sat. I rode the bike for a half an hour, ate well, and weighed myself this a.m. only to be up almost 2 pds. I know it is water weight. I know it will come right off. I know that’s why I shouldn’t weigh myself everyday. I know, I know, I know.
But I still have a headache, my period and an achy knee. I am just not feeling motivated today. I am going to cut myself a little slack and let my knee rest. I have ridden the bike 3 days in a row and I think my knee is trying to tell me something. I am going to up my water intake today so that I can flush my system. I am going to keep my food intake low carb and high protein.
Not because I am feeling it…because I am most definitely NOT…but because I am worth it. Because I want to be healthy and live to see my grandcalves, because I have some rockin’ jeans in a size 12 that I’d like to fit my hindquarters into by this time next year and because I am sick and tired of being fat.
So even though I am NOT feeling it, I am going to do it. Moo!
Viva La Bovine!
I have been fighting the flu for the past few days. Currently the flu is in the lead but but eventually I will come out the winner. My throat is sore, I haven’t slept well because I have been coughing so much, and I have been all around miserable…and miserable to be around. I think the Bull is ready to take his herd to another meadow. This Bovine is not a good sick person. I have way too much to do and no time to be lying around on my rump roast.
What amazed me about this past flu is that through it all I was still worried about my weight. Barely conscious, fever of 103, chills, headache and nausea and I kept wondering how much weight I can lose when I have the flu. Turns out I can lose 3 pds (which I probably won’t keep off). Should I eat those crackers or will I gain weight since I haven’t moved? Jello is great, there are barely any calories in jello, bring on the wiggly jiggly stuff. Chicken broth is another option. Love that low cal chicken broth!
That makes me sad. My mind is so focused on losing weight – which I can’t even do on a good day by the way – that even when I feel like I was hit by a truck and death seems like a respite, I am counting calories. Seriously?
Someday I’d like to just have the flu in peace. Humph!
My Inner Bovine
Why is that? I am really hard on myself. I tell myself I am a work in progress and that mistakes are okay. There are days that I even believe it….but other days? Other days, I get angry with myself and you know what? The days that I am mad and unforgiving, the days that I screw up and tell myself I’m an idiot, the days that I feel sad that I am not smarter, prettier, a better wife, a better mother, a better daughter, a better friend, etc. etc., it is those days that I make really bad food choices, dare I admit that it is those days that I binge….that there is not enough food in the world that can fill me up and I am not gorging on bags of apples…When I’m done eating everything with no nutritional value that I can get my hooves on, I feel gross and disgusting and unhappy. Then, I get angry with myself and the cycle starts over. Any wonder why I am a bovine?
When I can break the cycle, when I can forgive myself, when I believe I am a work in progress and that mistakes happen (or maybe just on the days when I am perfect :)) I eat healthy and treat my body with the respect it deserves…
So I guess the key is to figure out how to stay in the forgiving, work in progress place. Any ideas on how to get to/stay in that place?
Sounds like I need intense therapy doesn’t it?
M O O,
My Inner Bovine
I almost quit Weight Watchers yesterday morning. When I say Weight Watchers I mean all diets. I was completley ready to throw in the towel, embrace my curves, empty my bank account and head over to Lane Bryant to buy myself a nice Bovine wardrobe and just be done with all of this dieting nonsense.
You see when I got on the scale yesterday a.m., I weighed 217.4. That is more than I weighed when I started “Getting Serious” about dieting 6 months ago. Since Friday, I had been focusing on my baby step goals, had walked the dogs, drank all my water and eaten sensibly. I was so sad…morose even. How could I possibly have gained that much weight when I was doing everything right?
I didn’t quit yesterday for reasons I myself do not understand. I drank lots of water and lots of green tea. I walked the dogs. I took my vitamin. I paid attention to what I ate, paying special attention to keeping my portions small at dinner. I avoided all salt!
I peed constantly. I mean constantly, as in every 15 minutes constantly. When I drove my eldest calf to his LAX practice I had to stop 2X for pit stops. (the practice was just 20 minutes from the stable). I thought he was going to die of embarrassment but I figured the constant stopping was better then me peeing on myself.
This morning I got on the scale and guess what? Back to 212.6 which is where I was at my last weigh-in. Yahoo! I must have eaten something really salty that caused me to retain water…..and all that peeing paid off!
I am feeling motivated once again. I made it to the gym this morning and did my weight work-out and then went walking for an hour and a half. I am a happy, motivated, Bovine and that’s the way, uh huh, uh huh I like it 🙂
M O O,
My Inner Bovine