The 2 pds I was up earlier in the week have miraculously disappeared…so I am back to being down 7 pds. I know that’s not a huge amount of weight to lose but the fact of the matter is everyone has to start somewhere. My youngest calf weighed 7 pds when she was born so essentially I’ve lost a newborn. It seems like a lot more weight when I think of it in terms of losing a small human being.
My goal is to lose 3 more pounds by the end of March. Hooves crossed.
Again, I know it doesn’t seem like much but since I gained 2 pds earlier in the week for no apparent reason, it is not inevitable. I will have to work hard. I hate that.
I am not weighing in this week because in all honestly I don’t want to record the massive weight gain I managed to accrue. Valentine’s Day didn’t help but in all honesty that is not why I gained so much weight. I had a bit of a Bovine breakdown. A moment of who the F cares, I am just going to throw in the towel and remain a fat cow until my early demise due to heart disease and complications with diabetes.
Yup, you guessed it, I received some not so great news from the doctor. The “you are a borderline diabetic with high cholesterol and better lose weight before you kill yourself” sort of news. My favorite line from the nurse who had so kindly called me to tell me the results from my blood work was, “The doctor wants you go on a low-carb, low-calorie, low-fat diet.”
Great! Is there anything left to eat? Sure, if I was a rabbit and not a bovine. Moo!
I threw a bit of a tantrum (more than a bit) and did not take care of myself at all this week. I didn’t even look at A Course in Weightloss, I ate what I wanted and managed to make myself sick on more than one occasion. Finally I had a bit of an epiphany. Sadly the epiphany didn’t arrive until yesterday (after I managed to gain almost 5 pounds) but here it is:
I felt like crap for most of the week. I was gassy, crabby, fatigued, my stomach hurt and even though I kept eating, I had a general feeling of malaise. I felt significantly worse when I ate something full of refined sugar and/or carbs.
Wait for it…..
Perhaps these foods are having a negative effect on my blood sugar resulting in me feeling so completely awful. (Did I just hear a D’uh?)
Yesterday, I ate exclusively chicken, veggies and fruit and for the first time all week, I felt physically okay. Not great, still a bit tired, but a ton better. Maybe I need to eat more like a rabbit, not because the doctor said so or because I can stave off some pretty serious health issues (those clearly aren’t enough motivation for me), but because I just don’t feel very well when I don’t. When I feel icky it affects my mothering, my wifeying, my friendying, my housekeeping and my working….a whole bunch of ‘ings are negatively effected when I eat like crap. Seems like I am better at everything when I eat like a rabbit. Moo!
I managed to forgo leftover Valentine’s dessert last night just by reminding myself how awful I felt physically when I ate it the day before. I need to keep that feeling at the front of my mind, to constantly remind myself that how I eat no longer just affects the size of my hindquarters, it affects my entire life…..perhaps I should change the name of my blog from My Inner Bovine to My Inner Bunny.
I didn’t get a chance to post yesterday because my last post, Tearing Down the Wall, received such amazing comments that I spent my blogging time responding to those instead of writing my Fit to be Friday post. I am going to write a few posts based on those comments so I won’t bore you with that now. Suffice it to say, I am very fortunate to have such insightful people supporting my weightloss journey and I truly appreciate their comments.
Now, onto the weigh-in….Remarkably, despite my faking it last week, I managed to lose another pound. This is particularly impressive as we hosted a Superbowl Party with way too much food which meant way too many left overs. I am feeling a bit lucky and not so deserving as I am not quite sure how I managed to end up at a loss. I will say that Wed and Thurs were spent eating ONLY fruit, veggies and protein, I didn’t even have salad dressing. Obviously, my body responds to that and I am going to keep that up this coming week. I did veer off a bit yesterday and today I did try some homemade bread with real butter . But starting tomorrow I will be back on track. Part of setting my goal at only 1 pd a week is that I won’t have to be a dieting fiend 100% of the time and can have a piece of home made bread with real butter on occasion, which by the way was amazing.
This morning I took my dogs for a 2 mile walk. This is the longest I have walked since my knee surgery and it felt good to push myself. The knee surgery has made me afraid to push myself physically as anytime I do too much I end up with a swollen knee that I can’t walk on. Because I have been biking for a 1/2 hour 3 times a week, I felt strong enough to go on the a long walk. I felt awesome when I finished and the dogs were most appreciative as it seems that I am the only one in my family of 6 that is capable of walking them. I know the 6 pds didn’t make a difference in my ability to walk but I do think that regularly biking has helped a lot. I enjoy walking and am hopeful that this is the beginning of me being able to start walking for exercise again. Biking seems like such a chore and walking outside with my dogs is relaxing and enjoyable.
I have finished reading the next Lesson in A Course in Weightloss and am going to start drafting my letter to the Not So Thin Me today. I am a bit reticent because I just don’t know what to say besides F&@# YOU! That hardly seems healing though.
Anymoo, until next time…..
Viva La Bovine!
It has taken me forever to get through the first lesson of A Course in Weightloss. This first lesson is called Tearing Down the Wall and at the end of the chapter, the author, Marianne Williamson sets forth 25 emotions and asks you to write down what those emotions mean to you. For example, the fist emotion is Shame. You are to finish the sentence, I am ashamed because……Once you fill in your feelings, you to hand over the feeling to God (Because of my confused religious beliefs I chose instead to hand over my feelings to the Universe).
I wrote, “I am ashamed because of how fat I have let myself become, that I lost a baby, that my businesses have failed and that I have done a piss pour job managing money. Dear Universe, I surrender my shame to you. Please take it from me. Amen.”
I did not write paragraphs for each emotion. I was fairly short, simple and to the point. Yet, it took me almost 2 weeks to barrel through this exercise. I am not sure why I was so resistant to it. I must admit there are quite a few things I recorded that do not illicit pride but I don’t think that’s why it took me so long. Frankly, it seemed like a tedious exercise that was unlikely to help me lose weight. I forced myself to work through it but it took forever. Now that I am done I recognize that this exercise was worthwhile as I did learn a few very interesting things.
Certain emotions resonated very strongly with me: shame, unforgiveness, excess responsibility, burden, injustice, jealousy, dishonesty and embarrassment. These feelings are hot buttons for me . Clearly, there is quite I bit that I have to let go. I am not sure I believe I can just hand these feelings over to the Universe but it was very helpful to recognize my hot, dare I say burning, buttons and acknowledge that it is time to let those feelings go.
There is a great deal in my history that honestly should no longer be a hot button. Heck, it shouldn’t even be luke warm. I found that I am holding on to feelings that were aroused decades ago. These feelings no longer serve me. If I made bad choices in the past, I can not change them. Ruing over them offers no benefit. I need to let go of my shame/unforgiveness about them. If someone hurt me 20 years ago by cheating or not supporting me or worse trying to impede me, I need to let go of those feelings of injustice/jealousy/dishonesty/embarrassment. Hanging on to those feelings provides nothing of any value in my life and in fact only serves to hurt me. Yet, hang on… I do. Just like I hoard all of my trinkets and tokens from years past, apparently I hoard my emotions too.
I am going to spend some time each day trying to let those feelings go….the poor Universe has no idea how many negative emotions are coming its way….
This first lesson also brooches the idea that being overweight creates a wall to intentionally keep people out. I have a hard time with this concept because I am (for the most part) happily married. I have wonderful friends and 4 happy calves that fill my life. I am close with my mother, even though she can drive me nuts and I have strong ties to my extended family (who my mother has trained well to also make me nuts). I have a good job with folks I adore. I believe my relationships to be authentic. So, I am just not sure who I am trying to keep out. Do you know? I have thought a lot about this and am a bit stumped. Perhaps that will be explained in the next chapter.
Anymoo, I do feel like I learned a great deal about myself in Lesson 1 and am looking forward to seeing what Lesson 2 reveals….Thin me is about to meet not so thin me…should I bring cookies to the meeting?
Viva la Bovine!
Yay! I actually weighed in and have a chance to blog about it on Friday! Viva la Bovine! I also lost my weekly goal of one pound. Moo.
You would think I’d be on cloud 9 but I’m not. It would be more worth celebrating if the loss wasn’t due to the fact that I ate very little yesterday knowing I was going to record my weigh- in today. It feels like cheating. I did not do much on the dieting front all week (Although I didn’t gain weight which in my world is always a plus). Spent one day eating nothing but almonds and cottage cheese and lost a pound. Cheater you say. To which I respond, “I know, Moo!”
Not only is the 1 pd weight loss not a cause of celebration but if I were a betting Bovine, I’d bet on me gaining it back ASAP. So, technically, it was a loss solely for the purpose of recording a loss today. How stupid (but very Bovinesque). Only made worse by the fact that I am coming clean about it so now you know that even though I happily recorded the one pound loss on My Fitness Pal, it is a fib and in all likelihood won’t be there for long.
I am going to work hard this week to keep that pound off and even harder to lose another pound by next Friday. Admittedly, I am happy to weigh 5 pounds less even if it’s only for today. That’s 1/2 way to 10 pds and 10 pds seems substantial; a loss far enough away from my starting weight that I won’t gain it all back, does that make sense?
I am really determined that this is going to be my year to lose weight. 2013 is my year of getting lean. Dammit. I need to step up my game. I want to be fit and lean, I do, I do, I do. I just wish I didn’t have to work so hard to get there.
Why couldn’t I have been born a cheetah, instead of a Bovine??
Today I am actually using yesterdays weigh-in results but am reporting a day late because life just got away from me yesterday. The bad news is…..the damn scale didn’t move. The good news is……the damn scale didn’t move UP! I stayed the same. Moo!
Can I identify why there wasn’t movement down this week? Yup. My youngest calf turned 7 yesterday and I made some bad choices when I was baking her amazingly delicious and homemade cinnamon bun birthday cake. Can you make homemade cream cheese icing and not taste it? A lot? You certainly know my answer. There was also the problem of making time for my daily stationary bike ride. Things like icing tasting got in the way. Lastly, I didn’t drink enough water. All things I am going to work hard to remedy this week.
I have added some fruit and yogurt to my low carb intake. This is probably slowing things down a bit too but it has improved my bowel situation dramatically. That being the case continuing with 1 low-fat yogurt and 2 pieces of fruit a day seems wise. I just can’t stomach the alternative….pun intended.
Even though I did not lose weight this week, I have still met my goal of a pound a week, as January has already seen a 4 pd lose. The plan is to just keep on keeping on. If I can average that 1 pd a week goal for the rest of the year, I will be down 52 pounds by next Jan.
Viva la Bovine!
Maybe I should change the name to Fit to be Saturday…not as nice of a ring to it but I seem to keep missing Fridays for various reasons. Yesterday, I had a good reason. I am out of town and didn’t have access to a scale. I did twitch a bit but made it through the day in unknown weight territory. It was a bit touch n go at times but I did survive.
This morning I was in for a treat as I was down another pound for a total of 4 pds! Yahoo!
I have been avoiding carbs like the plague and I think that Dr. Atkins may have been on to something. I am not eating bacon or red meat constantly…just low fat protein and veggies…no sweets, no bread, no carbs (except a little bit of fruit). Clearly just reading A Course in Weightloss without some sort of diet to go with it was not leading to any sort of success but adding a diet seems to be doing something.
I hope to continue the low carb thing as my body seems to be responding to it…at least for now.
Viva La Bovine! Moo!