I have done a terrible job posting lately. Since I received my news from the doctor, had my tantrum, and then epiphany, I have actually been doing fairly well as far as eating goes. I have not lost much weight but I have been avoiding white flours, sugars and anything processed. I have been eating more chicken then any Bovine should lawfully consume (the Chik-Fil-A cows would most definitely approve) and lots of fruits and veggies and my new favorite treat cottage cheese mixed with vanilla Greek yogurt and almonds.
I feel like I should be melting away and am a little frustrated that I am not. Physically, I am feeling good so that is a plus. I am going to give myself another week of just focusing on healthy whole food choices before I start shifting the focus to exercise and portion control. Rome was not built in a day….and neither will My Inner Bunny 🙂
Now onto the point of this post. As usual, I am late but yesterday was Friends Making Monday and I just love to participate so here I go…..
If you’ve taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section at: www.alltheweigh.com so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. Please invite your blog readers to add their links here too so everyone has an opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!
Questions and Answers
1. Did you watch the Oscars? If so, who did you enjoy seeing most? Nope, I just can’t get into any awards shows. Thank goodness for Yahoo though because I love to see the outfits.
2. Do you drink meal replacement shakes, smoothies, etc? If so, what’s your favorite kind? I went on a SlimFast kick for a while. I would add bananas and berries. It was delicious and I would have it for breakfast. BUT it is full of salt and carbs so no longer on my list of green light foods….Moo!
3. Share one thing you have done to help someone in the last week? I delivered 4 bags of groceries to our local food co-0p…all items I purchased for close to free using coupons. I try to gather free or super cheap items each time I shop and collect them until I have enough to deliver.
4. What is the tastiest thing you ate last week? My new favorite treat – cottage cheese/vanilla greek yogurt/ and almonds…the closest thing to cheesecake I am going to get for the foreseeable future.
5. Think of one fun thing that you could do this week without spending any money to do it. We have a themed movie night a few times a month. This week we are going to watch Bend It Like Beckham and eat Indian food.
6. Share one place that you’ve been to and would like to visit again. The Beach….sort of ironic since I look like a beached whale in a swimsuit but I LOVE THE BEACH!!!!
7. Do you prefer Facebook or Twitter? Twitter – it is too easy to waste too much time on FB!
8. What is your favorite vegetable? Brussel Sprouts….roasted with a touch of olive oil, sea salt and parmesan cheese.
9. Share a goal that you have for the month of March. My goal for March is to make my new low GI diet a habit. I need to get to a point where I just reach for the right foods without thinking about it. Once I get to that point, I am going to up my work-outs and reduce my portion sizes. I am optimistic that I can lose 10 pds from now to the end of March…hooves crossed.
10. Share a quote that inspires you. “When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” Lao Tzu
Now it’s your turn to answer this week’s questions! Don’t forget go to www.alltheweigh.com to come back and link up in the comments! Happy Monday, dear ones!!!!!!!!!
I am not weighing in this week because in all honestly I don’t want to record the massive weight gain I managed to accrue. Valentine’s Day didn’t help but in all honesty that is not why I gained so much weight. I had a bit of a Bovine breakdown. A moment of who the F cares, I am just going to throw in the towel and remain a fat cow until my early demise due to heart disease and complications with diabetes.
Yup, you guessed it, I received some not so great news from the doctor. The “you are a borderline diabetic with high cholesterol and better lose weight before you kill yourself” sort of news. My favorite line from the nurse who had so kindly called me to tell me the results from my blood work was, “The doctor wants you go on a low-carb, low-calorie, low-fat diet.”
Great! Is there anything left to eat? Sure, if I was a rabbit and not a bovine. Moo!
I threw a bit of a tantrum (more than a bit) and did not take care of myself at all this week. I didn’t even look at A Course in Weightloss, I ate what I wanted and managed to make myself sick on more than one occasion. Finally I had a bit of an epiphany. Sadly the epiphany didn’t arrive until yesterday (after I managed to gain almost 5 pounds) but here it is:
I felt like crap for most of the week. I was gassy, crabby, fatigued, my stomach hurt and even though I kept eating, I had a general feeling of malaise. I felt significantly worse when I ate something full of refined sugar and/or carbs.
Wait for it…..
Perhaps these foods are having a negative effect on my blood sugar resulting in me feeling so completely awful. (Did I just hear a D’uh?)
Yesterday, I ate exclusively chicken, veggies and fruit and for the first time all week, I felt physically okay. Not great, still a bit tired, but a ton better. Maybe I need to eat more like a rabbit, not because the doctor said so or because I can stave off some pretty serious health issues (those clearly aren’t enough motivation for me), but because I just don’t feel very well when I don’t. When I feel icky it affects my mothering, my wifeying, my friendying, my housekeeping and my working….a whole bunch of ‘ings are negatively effected when I eat like crap. Seems like I am better at everything when I eat like a rabbit. Moo!
I managed to forgo leftover Valentine’s dessert last night just by reminding myself how awful I felt physically when I ate it the day before. I need to keep that feeling at the front of my mind, to constantly remind myself that how I eat no longer just affects the size of my hindquarters, it affects my entire life…..perhaps I should change the name of my blog from My Inner Bovine to My Inner Bunny.
I didn’t get a chance to post yesterday because my last post, Tearing Down the Wall, received such amazing comments that I spent my blogging time responding to those instead of writing my Fit to be Friday post. I am going to write a few posts based on those comments so I won’t bore you with that now. Suffice it to say, I am very fortunate to have such insightful people supporting my weightloss journey and I truly appreciate their comments.
Now, onto the weigh-in….Remarkably, despite my faking it last week, I managed to lose another pound. This is particularly impressive as we hosted a Superbowl Party with way too much food which meant way too many left overs. I am feeling a bit lucky and not so deserving as I am not quite sure how I managed to end up at a loss. I will say that Wed and Thurs were spent eating ONLY fruit, veggies and protein, I didn’t even have salad dressing. Obviously, my body responds to that and I am going to keep that up this coming week. I did veer off a bit yesterday and today I did try some homemade bread with real butter . But starting tomorrow I will be back on track. Part of setting my goal at only 1 pd a week is that I won’t have to be a dieting fiend 100% of the time and can have a piece of home made bread with real butter on occasion, which by the way was amazing.
This morning I took my dogs for a 2 mile walk. This is the longest I have walked since my knee surgery and it felt good to push myself. The knee surgery has made me afraid to push myself physically as anytime I do too much I end up with a swollen knee that I can’t walk on. Because I have been biking for a 1/2 hour 3 times a week, I felt strong enough to go on the a long walk. I felt awesome when I finished and the dogs were most appreciative as it seems that I am the only one in my family of 6 that is capable of walking them. I know the 6 pds didn’t make a difference in my ability to walk but I do think that regularly biking has helped a lot. I enjoy walking and am hopeful that this is the beginning of me being able to start walking for exercise again. Biking seems like such a chore and walking outside with my dogs is relaxing and enjoyable.
I have finished reading the next Lesson in A Course in Weightloss and am going to start drafting my letter to the Not So Thin Me today. I am a bit reticent because I just don’t know what to say besides F&@# YOU! That hardly seems healing though.
Anymoo, until next time…..
Viva La Bovine!
It has taken me forever to get through the first lesson of A Course in Weightloss. This first lesson is called Tearing Down the Wall and at the end of the chapter, the author, Marianne Williamson sets forth 25 emotions and asks you to write down what those emotions mean to you. For example, the fist emotion is Shame. You are to finish the sentence, I am ashamed because……Once you fill in your feelings, you to hand over the feeling to God (Because of my confused religious beliefs I chose instead to hand over my feelings to the Universe).
I wrote, “I am ashamed because of how fat I have let myself become, that I lost a baby, that my businesses have failed and that I have done a piss pour job managing money. Dear Universe, I surrender my shame to you. Please take it from me. Amen.”
I did not write paragraphs for each emotion. I was fairly short, simple and to the point. Yet, it took me almost 2 weeks to barrel through this exercise. I am not sure why I was so resistant to it. I must admit there are quite a few things I recorded that do not illicit pride but I don’t think that’s why it took me so long. Frankly, it seemed like a tedious exercise that was unlikely to help me lose weight. I forced myself to work through it but it took forever. Now that I am done I recognize that this exercise was worthwhile as I did learn a few very interesting things.
Certain emotions resonated very strongly with me: shame, unforgiveness, excess responsibility, burden, injustice, jealousy, dishonesty and embarrassment. These feelings are hot buttons for me . Clearly, there is quite I bit that I have to let go. I am not sure I believe I can just hand these feelings over to the Universe but it was very helpful to recognize my hot, dare I say burning, buttons and acknowledge that it is time to let those feelings go.
There is a great deal in my history that honestly should no longer be a hot button. Heck, it shouldn’t even be luke warm. I found that I am holding on to feelings that were aroused decades ago. These feelings no longer serve me. If I made bad choices in the past, I can not change them. Ruing over them offers no benefit. I need to let go of my shame/unforgiveness about them. If someone hurt me 20 years ago by cheating or not supporting me or worse trying to impede me, I need to let go of those feelings of injustice/jealousy/dishonesty/embarrassment. Hanging on to those feelings provides nothing of any value in my life and in fact only serves to hurt me. Yet, hang on… I do. Just like I hoard all of my trinkets and tokens from years past, apparently I hoard my emotions too.
I am going to spend some time each day trying to let those feelings go….the poor Universe has no idea how many negative emotions are coming its way….
This first lesson also brooches the idea that being overweight creates a wall to intentionally keep people out. I have a hard time with this concept because I am (for the most part) happily married. I have wonderful friends and 4 happy calves that fill my life. I am close with my mother, even though she can drive me nuts and I have strong ties to my extended family (who my mother has trained well to also make me nuts). I have a good job with folks I adore. I believe my relationships to be authentic. So, I am just not sure who I am trying to keep out. Do you know? I have thought a lot about this and am a bit stumped. Perhaps that will be explained in the next chapter.
Anymoo, I do feel like I learned a great deal about myself in Lesson 1 and am looking forward to seeing what Lesson 2 reveals….Thin me is about to meet not so thin me…should I bring cookies to the meeting?
Viva la Bovine!
This time, my 759th weight loss journey, will be different. I am determined to succeed and for the first time I can remember, I believe that I can. Why is this time different? I am focusing more on my mind than on my body.
I know I have an eating disorder….actually many eating disorders. I am a compulsive eater, I am an emotional eater, I have been bulimic at various and sundry times in my life. Frankly, as far as food is concerned I am one hot mess. That goes for my body image and feelings of self-worth too. Mess, mess, mess.
I am tired of hating my body, of sighing when I look in the mirror. I am sick of hating myself for being weak. I am done beating myself up for failing to be perfect.
I may not be perfect, but you know what? I am A-OK!
My body has done some pretty freaking cool things. For heaven’s sake, this body made human beings ( for this one brief moment, I will drop the Bovine motif) and even birthed one epidural free (not on purpose but that is for another post). This body can walk 29 miles in the Avon walk and can give hugs that can cure just about any injury that befalls a clumsy 6-year-old. This body deserves some appreciation and I am finally starting to realize that.
I have begun A Course in Weight Loss by Marianne Williamson. It is more religious than I am normally comfortable but I am going through the book anyway. I need to follow a program that helps me face my mental issues. If looking to a Higher Power can help me work through them, then so be it. I am uncomfortable praying to God but am happy to meditate and focus on the Universe or Higher Spirit. So that is how I am going to approach the prayers that arise throughout the chapters.
As I read through the Introduction and first chapter, I was stuck by the idea that “fear is the source of (my) weight problem.” That idea definitely resonates with me but I don’t know exactly what am I afraid of. That’s okay for now. I am just going to accept that I am afraid and this fear has driven my compulsive unwise eating. The principles that guide the book are as follows (and can be found on page 12 of the book):
“1. Your body itself is completely neutral. it causes nothing; it is completely an effect, not a cause.
2. Poor diet is not the cause of your excess weight, nor is lack of exercise the cause of your excess weight. The cause of your excess weight is in your mind.
3. The cause of your excess weight is fear, which is a place in your mind where love is blocked.
4. Fear expresses itself as subconscious urges, which then express themselves as either excessive and/or unhealthy eating habits and/or resistance to proper exercise. The ultimate effect of this – that is, excess weight – will only be permanently and fundamentally healed when the fear itself is routed out.”
How interesting is this? I blame my body for its bovine tendencies all the time. But if I think about it, my body is simply a bunch of cells, a whole lot of water and all kinds of scientific stuff. The cells don’t care if I eat an apple or a candy bar, they just want me to keep them fed. In fact, the cells would probably prefer the healthy apple to the candy bar. So why does my mind often pick the candy bar instead? I don’t know but I’m willing to try to figure it out.
I stopped blogging because I gave up. I gave up on losing weight, getting fit, essentially I gave up on me.
But I’m back now. I have set up very simple goals for myself for the New Year and am hopeful that if I stick to them and don’t worry so much about the number on the scale, I will be a healthier, fitter bovine by 2014.
Here are my simple goals:
Exercise 30 minutes/day/5 days week
Drink 8 glasses of water/day
Go through the Course in Weight Loss
My hope is that by following these simple steps, I can lose 1 pd a week. If I do that, I will lose 52 pds this year and that would be amazing!
So here’s to a fit and lean 2013! Happy New Year!
I have been fighting the flu for the past few days. Currently the flu is in the lead but but eventually I will come out the winner. My throat is sore, I haven’t slept well because I have been coughing so much, and I have been all around miserable…and miserable to be around. I think the Bull is ready to take his herd to another meadow. This Bovine is not a good sick person. I have way too much to do and no time to be lying around on my rump roast.
What amazed me about this past flu is that through it all I was still worried about my weight. Barely conscious, fever of 103, chills, headache and nausea and I kept wondering how much weight I can lose when I have the flu. Turns out I can lose 3 pds (which I probably won’t keep off). Should I eat those crackers or will I gain weight since I haven’t moved? Jello is great, there are barely any calories in jello, bring on the wiggly jiggly stuff. Chicken broth is another option. Love that low cal chicken broth!
That makes me sad. My mind is so focused on losing weight – which I can’t even do on a good day by the way – that even when I feel like I was hit by a truck and death seems like a respite, I am counting calories. Seriously?
Someday I’d like to just have the flu in peace. Humph!
My Inner Bovine