A Strange CalmPosted: January 30, 2012
I am in a weird emotional place today. I am not in denial about the fact that I have an eating disorder. I am not angry. I don’t feel helpless or relieved. Just exhausted and strangely calm. The dogs and I walked 4 miles this morning, which could also explain my fatigue.
I spent a good chunk of yesterday looking things up online and found a workbook made for folks trying to overcome emotional binge eating. I ordered the book (actually 2 books), which shipped this morning, and feel like I’m in a bit of a holding pattern until they get here.
My research was very mind opening. I am fairly text book and I am amazed that I haven’t figured this out before. Don’t get me wrong, I have known for years I have eating issues but I just blamed my lack of will power, my inner bovine and the fact that I like to eat. I never put two and two together and really thought about what purpose my dysfunctional eating serves. The fact that I use food to escape and numb myself and that I am truly out of control.
I am still doing Weight Watchers but it feels less pressing right now. If I don’t get this emotional binge eating thing under control, no weight loss program is going to help me. The number on the scale has lost it’s significance and for the time being I feel like I need to focus on the day to day and just making it through without binging.
Interestingly I haven’t been horribly hungry so far today. I wonder if I’d even be able to recognize a true hunger feeling if it hit me on my bovine head. Until my books arrive I am going to just do my best, try to be honest about my feelings, and remind myself that I am a work in progress. I have recognized that I have a problem and I am going to do my best to help myself.
My name is Ima Bovine and I am an emotional/binge eater who is working on getting better.