A Strange Calm

I am in a weird emotional place today.  I am not in denial about the fact that I have an eating disorder.  I am not angry.  I don’t feel helpless or relieved.  Just exhausted and strangely calm.  The dogs and I walked 4 miles this morning, which could also explain my fatigue.

I spent a good chunk of yesterday looking things up online and found a workbook made for folks trying to overcome emotional binge eating.  I ordered the book (actually 2 books), which shipped this morning, and feel like I’m in a bit of a holding pattern until they get here.

My research was very mind opening.  I am fairly text book and I am amazed that I haven’t figured this out before.  Don’t get me wrong, I have known for years I have eating issues but I just blamed my lack of will power, my inner bovine and the fact that I like to eat.  I never put two and two together and really thought about what purpose my dysfunctional eating serves.  The fact that I use food to escape and numb myself and that I am truly out of control.

I am still doing Weight Watchers but it feels less pressing right now.  If I don’t get this emotional binge eating thing under control, no weight loss program is going to help me.  The number on the scale has lost it’s significance and for the time being I feel like I need to focus on the day to day and just making it through without binging.

Interestingly I haven’t been horribly hungry so far today.   I wonder if I’d even be able to recognize a true hunger feeling if it hit me on my bovine head.  Until my books arrive I am going to just do my best, try to be honest about my feelings, and remind myself that I am a work in progress.  I have recognized that I have a problem and I am going to do my best to help myself.

My name is Ima Bovine and I am an emotional/binge eater who  is working on getting better.

7 Comments on “A Strange Calm”

  1. Shanny says:

    You are in my thoughts….a lot. You’re in for a tough go…but it’s better having all the facts than trying to read a book with half the words missing.

    Breathe deeply.


    • Thanks Shanny – recently I’ve been in my own thoughts alot too 🙂 – I am trying not to think too much about how hard this is going to be. I know it will be but for the time being I am just trying to get thru day by day. I have to figure out how I am going to approach this…do I find a therapist? group therapy? a group like OA? or work through the books that I am waiting to arrive? The breathe deeply advice is probably the best thing for me at this moment. Thanks again….

  2. J. says:

    if you believe this is accurate (I’m no expert, no opinion on your diagnosis’ accuracy from me) I hope you try to find some external help a) to confirm it and b) help you figure ways to combat it. I would imagine that that it is something that is better attacked with help than on your own – or at least more effective. (That said, as not exactly a group hugger myself, I’d hate to be in lots of meetings where we all kumbayah and hug – but I’d hope I’d have the sense to find the kind of help that works for me).

    Good luck.

    • Thanks J. I am going to keep digesting all of this (pun intended) and start looking in to various treatment options. Clearly this is bigger than me and I need some sort of plan of action. I am just not quite at the place yet where I’m ready to seek treatment out of the house. That will require me to tell the Bull, which I know I need to do, I’m just not there yet.

  3. When i was pregnant I remembered feeling hungry for the first time and it shocked me, I lost that feeling so long ago I didn’t remember what it was like to have my body tell me when I was full and hungry instead of my mind. I think that day confirmed my food addiction!

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