I have yet to figure out how I am going to approach this beyond just taking it day by day. I am still waiting for my books to arrive. I’d like to see if they may be enough.
More likely than not I need to pursue some sort of therapy. I don’t want to come clean with the Bull . However, I know I need to tell him. He knows something is not right with me the past few days and he’s probably beginning to wonder if I’m going to tell him I’m leaving him for a Steer. Besides, if I choose the therapeutic route I have to tell him since I’m insured through his work and he’ll get the explanation of benefits. And honestly, if I am to truly face this and get better, I need to be honest about it and tell him. He is really a supportive sort and I know he will be there for me and help in any way he can.
It’s just so embarrassing, humiliating, pathetic…and not very sexy at all. How do you tell the love of your life that you can’t control your eating? Suggestions are most definitely welcome….
My name is Ima Bovine and I am an emotional/binge eater who is trying to figure out how to tell the Bull that I’m a mess.
I am in a weird emotional place today. I am not in denial about the fact that I have an eating disorder. I am not angry. I don’t feel helpless or relieved. Just exhausted and strangely calm. The dogs and I walked 4 miles this morning, which could also explain my fatigue.
I spent a good chunk of yesterday looking things up online and found a workbook made for folks trying to overcome emotional binge eating. I ordered the book (actually 2 books), which shipped this morning, and feel like I’m in a bit of a holding pattern until they get here.
My research was very mind opening. I am fairly text book and I am amazed that I haven’t figured this out before. Don’t get me wrong, I have known for years I have eating issues but I just blamed my lack of will power, my inner bovine and the fact that I like to eat. I never put two and two together and really thought about what purpose my dysfunctional eating serves. The fact that I use food to escape and numb myself and that I am truly out of control.
I am still doing Weight Watchers but it feels less pressing right now. If I don’t get this emotional binge eating thing under control, no weight loss program is going to help me. The number on the scale has lost it’s significance and for the time being I feel like I need to focus on the day to day and just making it through without binging.
Interestingly I haven’t been horribly hungry so far today. I wonder if I’d even be able to recognize a true hunger feeling if it hit me on my bovine head. Until my books arrive I am going to just do my best, try to be honest about my feelings, and remind myself that I am a work in progress. I have recognized that I have a problem and I am going to do my best to help myself.
My name is Ima Bovine and I am an emotional/binge eater who is working on getting better.
I started blogging about my weight loss journey thinking that this would be a place for me to track my successes and failures and complain about dieting in general. My friends and family, and the Bull in particular, are sick of hearing me complain about being fat and my dieting failures so it was time to find a new venue. This blog is that venue. I thought I’d be witty, try to make dieting a little more fun, and maybe meet a few kindred spirits.
What I never expected was the realization that I have a true eating disorder. Sure, there have been times where I uncontrollably eat. Maybe even times when I eat a grocery carts worth of food in a single sitting. Yes, this typically happens when I am feeling angry, lonely or hopeless. Okay, I know exactly what I need to do to lose weight and yet somehow don’t just do it.
After my last post and the comments that followed, I looked up binge eating online and I found the following at http://helpguide.org/mental/binge_eating_disorder.htm:
Behavioral symptoms of binge eating and compulsive overeating
- Inability to stop eating or control what you’re eating
- Rapidly eating large amounts of food
- Eating even when you’re full
- Hiding or stockpiling food to eat later in secret
- Eating normally around others, but gorging when you’re alone
- Eating continuously throughout the day, with no planned mealtimes
Emotional symptoms of binge eating and compulsive overeating
- Feeling stress or tension that is only relieved by eating
- Embarrassment over how much you’re eating
- Feeling numb while bingeing—like you’re not really there or you’re on auto-pilot.
- Never feeling satisfied, no matter how much you eat
- Feeling guilty, disgusted, or depressed after overeating
- Desperation to control weight and eating habits
Every last one of these symptoms apply to me. …EVERY LAST ONE….
It is time that I face the fact that my weight problem has far less to do with my genetics, my motivation or my will power and everything to do with my emotional eating. I need to face the fact that I have an eating disorder, just as an alcoholic has to face the fact that he or she has a drinking problem. I do know that the first step to solving any type of addiction is to admit that you have a problem….So here it goes….
My name is Ima Bovine and I am an emotional/binge eater.
Why is that? I am really hard on myself. I tell myself I am a work in progress and that mistakes are okay. There are days that I even believe it….but other days? Other days, I get angry with myself and you know what? The days that I am mad and unforgiving, the days that I screw up and tell myself I’m an idiot, the days that I feel sad that I am not smarter, prettier, a better wife, a better mother, a better daughter, a better friend, etc. etc., it is those days that I make really bad food choices, dare I admit that it is those days that I binge….that there is not enough food in the world that can fill me up and I am not gorging on bags of apples…When I’m done eating everything with no nutritional value that I can get my hooves on, I feel gross and disgusting and unhappy. Then, I get angry with myself and the cycle starts over. Any wonder why I am a bovine?
When I can break the cycle, when I can forgive myself, when I believe I am a work in progress and that mistakes happen (or maybe just on the days when I am perfect :)) I eat healthy and treat my body with the respect it deserves…
So I guess the key is to figure out how to stay in the forgiving, work in progress place. Any ideas on how to get to/stay in that place?
Sounds like I need intense therapy doesn’t it?
M O O,
My Inner Bovine
I have spent the past 48 hours cleaning vomit off the ceiling. I did not go to my weigh-in today because I had to stay home with my youngest calf who was doing her best Exorcist imitation; which for a 6 year old is very impressive.
Honestly, I was not all that upset about missing the big weigh day because I am very PMSee, I am up a cup size in each breast, my jeans are hard to button, and I am making a Bull Fighting Bull look like a miniature poodle. Between sleep deprivation and hormones, I am quite certain a weigh in would not have yielded good results.
I am too tired to do a run down each of my baby goals but until Vomiting Vicki reared her ugly, smelly head I had been doing fairly well on them and was confident I was going to be at a loss today.
If I wasn’t so dang tired I’d be more upset about it. The nice thing about severe sleep deprivation is I really don’t care what I weigh, I just want to climb in a vomit free bed and sleep. That appears to be much easier said then done. Thank goodness for the washing machine, the dryer and my can of Lysol…they have all had a lot of use the past 2 days.
M O O,
My Inner, Irritable, & Overtired Bovine
I love Friends Making Monday – It’s a fun way to get to learn more about some of my very favorite bloggers. As Kenlie of All the Weigh says, “If you’ve taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section at: www.alltheweigh.com so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. Please invite your blog readers to add their links here too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!”
FMM: Short Answers
- Mac or PC? PC but only because of work. I think Macs are amazing.
- Do you paint your own nails? Yes, but my work leaves a lot to be desired. I try to budget for a mani/pedi once a month. It always makes me feel so girly.
- Beach or mountains? Beach. I like the mountains but I like nothing more than lying on hot sand dozing to the sound of the tide…I’m getting sleepy just thinking about it.
- What’s the title of the book you’re currently reading? Reading? you mean for fun? That would require at least one more hour in the day.
- Do you dance? I love to dance but I have been told by the calves that I leave a lot to be desired on the dance floor. To that I say psha….that’s the beauty of getting older. No one expects an old overweight, white Bovine to look good on the dance floor, so I am free to have a blast and look as stupid as I want to be.
- CNN or Fox News? Watching the news is like reading a book, theoretically a great idea but no time for execution. When I have free time to watch tv I am all about Big Bang Theory.
- Do you ride a bicycle? I am able to but don’t do it very often
- Do you get a yearly flu shot? No
- Best movie you’ve seen in 2012? The only movie I’ve seen in 2012 is the Smurfs. La La Lala la la, la lala la la……I have mentioned that I have 4 calves, right?
- Do you prefer to workout at home or at the gym? The gym all the way. If I am at home I do not work out..unless you count walking the dogs or chasing the calves or cleaning the stable.
- Last airport you were in? Hartsfield Jackson in ATL.
- Married or single? Married.
- iPhone or Android? Android
- Do you prefer to be in pictures or taking pictures? Taking pictures. I hate to be in pictures.
- Favorite brand of sneakers? Nike or Merrill – I just got these awesome pair of lime green Merrill Walking Shoes that I just adore.
- Do you like snow? If I don’t have to shovel it.
- Do you have/want to have kids? Four beautiful young calves….
- Summer or Winter? I like the summer weather but winter clothing (so I can cover up and hide under layers)
- Do you know how to swim? I do and have recently discovered aqua aerobics which I am now in love with.
- Do you prefer to shop in store or online? I like to shop both ways. Online in some ways is easier and more convenient but in store is way more fun….unless I have a calf in tow.
So there you have my FMM answers…now it’s your turn…answer the above and link up on Kenlie’s Site – www.alltheweigh.com. I can’t wait to learn more about you.
M O O,
My Inner Bovine
I almost quit Weight Watchers yesterday morning. When I say Weight Watchers I mean all diets. I was completley ready to throw in the towel, embrace my curves, empty my bank account and head over to Lane Bryant to buy myself a nice Bovine wardrobe and just be done with all of this dieting nonsense.
You see when I got on the scale yesterday a.m., I weighed 217.4. That is more than I weighed when I started “Getting Serious” about dieting 6 months ago. Since Friday, I had been focusing on my baby step goals, had walked the dogs, drank all my water and eaten sensibly. I was so sad…morose even. How could I possibly have gained that much weight when I was doing everything right?
I didn’t quit yesterday for reasons I myself do not understand. I drank lots of water and lots of green tea. I walked the dogs. I took my vitamin. I paid attention to what I ate, paying special attention to keeping my portions small at dinner. I avoided all salt!
I peed constantly. I mean constantly, as in every 15 minutes constantly. When I drove my eldest calf to his LAX practice I had to stop 2X for pit stops. (the practice was just 20 minutes from the stable). I thought he was going to die of embarrassment but I figured the constant stopping was better then me peeing on myself.
This morning I got on the scale and guess what? Back to 212.6 which is where I was at my last weigh-in. Yahoo! I must have eaten something really salty that caused me to retain water…..and all that peeing paid off!
I am feeling motivated once again. I made it to the gym this morning and did my weight work-out and then went walking for an hour and a half. I am a happy, motivated, Bovine and that’s the way, uh huh, uh huh I like it 🙂
M O O,
My Inner Bovine